quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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