Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
