I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
