Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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