I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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