Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
