You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
