And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
