Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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