I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pants are for mortals
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
