My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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