Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
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How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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