I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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