and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
