Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
