roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
