My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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