It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
