You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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