I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
