it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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