I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
