Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
