shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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