he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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