I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
