Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
