Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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