I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
