he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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