Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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