Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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