o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
