he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
