Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
