do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What drink are we having for lunch?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
