so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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