I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
