Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
