She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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