covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
