so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
