I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
