I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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