mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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