I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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