so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'