i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
