My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
