I showed him my bush... on skype.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
