remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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