Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
