im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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