I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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