Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios