I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago