I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.