I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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