I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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