I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
