if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
