12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
