I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
someone owes me an orgasm
It was confusing and full of hummus
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
