I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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