At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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