It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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