It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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